I had an experience in the past month that reminded me of something I hadn’t thought about in a while: The difference between wanting to do something and wanting to have done something.
For instance, I’m not much of a runner these days. (Read: Only when I go out to the mailbox and it’s raining. Not sprinkling, but seriously downpouring.) I was sort of into it at one time, though. Pre-motherhood. For about a year, I actually ran for 3 – 5 miles a few times per week. Even got up to 7 miles on a handful of occasions. So, I’d experienced enough of the sensation of lean, stretching muscles toned by high-cardio exertion and fully oxygenated lungs working to capacity, etc. to understand the concept of a long-distance race…and to even imagine myself running an official marathon. (Hey, if you can run 6 miles, what’s 20 more, right?! Hmm…yeah.)
I loved the mental image of it. I could so easily picture myself having crossed the finish line, striding — exhausted, but proud — to the winner’s podium (Gatorade bottle in hand) to get a medal, a certificate or even just a few congratulatory handshakes.
My brother, however, wasn’t just imagining it. He ran the Chicago Marathon three times — his finishing time just a few minutes above or below 3 hours for each of these events, and he qualified regularly for the Boston Marathon, too. It was so inspiring to watch the races and hear his stories about them. For one thing, he finished fast. He’s a statistics guy at work, not a professional athlete. Even so, in his first year, he came in 599th place out of 31,200 finishers and about 45,000 total runners — so in the top 1.5%! I had, right before my eyes and in my very own family, a model for real running success. Furthermore, my brother is an incredibly cool dude, and he openly, enthusiastically told me all the things he did to train and prepare for the big race.
And THAT — my friends — put a dramatic end to my marathoning fantasies!
Turns out, I didn’t want to run a marathon. I wanted to have run one. I wanted the end game only — the podium, the handshakes, even the Gatorade. I did not want to wake up at 4:45 (A.M.!!!) to go to the gym for strength training every day before work. I did not want to limit my chocolate intake in any way or learn how to regulate my diet for “ideal athletic performance” (huh?!). And I really did not want to run outside in all types of nasty weather conditions — rain! snow! heat! — for mile after mile, month after month, just so I could get ready for that grueling marathon course. No way! I wanted to run for fun — short distances and at a leisurely pace, amusing myself with daydreams about first-place ribbons and Olympic gold. That’s the unvarnished truth.
Any of you ever have a fantasy like that? To win “American Idol,” for instance, or to be an Academy Award nominee or a jujitsu black belt or a star figure skater? (I’ve imagined all of these at some point or other. 
) I was willing to do exactly zero work for any of them, but they provided some entertaining daydreams, LOL. Writing a novel, however, was — quite literally — a different story.
So, for example, when somebody strolls into a bookstore, scans the shelves and dreamily says to the person next to them (i.e., me), “I always wanted to write a book,” I have to wonder if their desire is like my idea of being a marathoner — a totally fun fantasy — or if it’s like my brother’s idea of being a marathoner — years of work, dedication and sometimes pain.
And I’ve found myself more than once kindly and gently trying to explain to that person the difference between wanting to write a book and wanting to have written one. I’ll ask them many of the same questions I had to ask myself: Does the prospect of getting up early every morning and/or staying up late every night to work for hours on a manuscript excite you? Would you rearrange your hobbies, your work hours, your free time, or whatever you need to do, to accommodate the writing whenever possible? Do you enjoy studying the necessary aspects of the writing craft, the publishing industry and the market to improve your skills and understanding as a novelist? And are you already doing this — if not every single day — on most days, whether or not you have any guarantee of success or fame or fortune in the end? Will you draft, revise and persist no matter what the weather is like, how you’re feeling (tired, sick, unmotivated), the number of rejections you get or what’s on TV that night?
Whether the other person’s answer is a yes or a no, I’m happy for them. Self knowledge is power! But I know from both my experience at the track and my experience in front of the computer screen that, oh, yeah, the difference in verb tense is a big one. And, at a certain point, one of the marks of adulthood is being able to be honest with yourself about when you’re willing to pursue a passion with all the time, energy and effort it requires vs. when you’re not. That fantasy may be delightful (and fantasies should be!), but be sure to recognize it for what it is.
And as for those activities that you are willing to do all the hard work to pursue — please give yourself some extra kudos for the uniqueness of that commitment. Because it’s rare and should be honored.
Happy Friday, everyone! Hope you all have a great weekend. 
I think this is why I can’t write a super fast first draft (which I tried to do earlier this month, so it’s on my mind). When I do that, I don’t like writing. When I don’t like it, I don’t want to do it. When I write more slowly but put out something I think is good (though not perfect), I feel good. Because I feel good and not drained (as I do from one of the spurts), the story is still in my mind and I get new ideas. I’m eager to come back and write more the next day instead of dreading it. That’s when I like writing and want to do more of it.
I won’t be a marathon writer, but I’ll still get to the finish line.
Edie, I loved what you wrote, especially this last sentence: “I won’t be a marathon writer, but I’ll still get to the finish line.” I think that’s one of the big keys of dedication — to know you’re going to pursue that passion at your own pace and for however long it takes. That’s the gift of self knowledge, too — knowing which techniques really won’t work for you but finding the ones that do.
I’ve watched (enviously!) writers who can zip out fast drafts. I admire the skill and know I could probably work at getting a little faster, but that’s not my drafting process either. I tend to write an excruciatingly slow first draft, thinking through each scene carefully and not moving on until I feel I’ve gotten it sort of close to where it’ll eventually need to be. LOTS of revision is still always required for me, but usually not so much in the basic blocking of the scene. I know if I tried to write a story quickly, I would have to go back and change structural elements later and that would be the death of me!! So, I work at a slow pace to avoid that…
This is starting to be spooky, Marilyn. I was just talking to someone the other day about the difference between wanting “to write” and wanting “to be a writer.” I meet lots and lots of people (including writers) who want to be writers yet they never seem to write. I even have days where I fall into this trap.
LOL, Amy — how’s my twin today?
I doubt any of us would be normal if we didn’t have days where we just didn’t want to write.
I remember my brother telling me about his running training — that there were a bunch of times where it was a chore to go out and do it (and he skipped it once in a while — sometimes his body just needed a break, and he could feel that). The more I think about marathoning and writing, though, the more similarities I see…and the more it convinces me that doing either will be rewarding but always WAY more work than fun. I think we persist because we know we’ll get that triumphant feeling in the end. With my books, I feel like I’m chasing those endorphins and that “Ahhhh, yes!” moment when some plot thread finally comes together 
.
I need to get that marathon training attitude back when it comes to my writing Marilyn. I used to be that disciplined but rejections and what not have kept me from training my mind daily like you need to train your body daily for the big race. I need to get back in the race! And I find it so much easier to have a disciplined mind rather than a disciplined body.
Although I do the treadmill, I\’m no marathon runner in training. Good post
Beth, in my opinion, you’re a marathoner when it comes to writing. You’ve drafted solid GH-finaling manuscripts and reached ‘the end’ of the book over and over again. You rock!!
I think everyone in this field gets run down at some point or other, though — if it’s not the rejections, it’s real-life family/job stuff getting in the way and draining our energy or having things we can’t control causing industry problems (like bookstores going bankrupt and reducing the book orders, so the print runs drop), etc. It’s probably kind of like making it to the end of a race and realizing you’ve pulled a muscle — you have to let that heal and strengthen the site of the injury before you can run another race without hurting yourself. There were times after writing rejections when I really felt that way (and starting considering other “sports” to participate in, LOL). Sending you really good vibes for your next round of submissions!!
Marilyn, I’ve never wanted to be a marathon runner. LOL. I have cycled in a 109km (67.7 miles, according to an online converter
) cycle race. It was up steep mountains and through amazing scenery. I loved it, but I didn’t do another one. LOL. I’m perfectly happy to walk for 4 km every day (2.5 miles) up a steep hill and then down to the beach and back, and that sort of mirrors my writing. I like to chip away every day, make some decent progress. And if I really don’t feel like working, I force myself to do something, even if its just half a page. Because to stay away from the work makes it so hard to go back to it.
Michelle, that cycle race you were in was impressive!! The longest I’ve ever ridden on a bike was, maybe, 20 miles (and that was 20 years ago!) and it was VERY FLAT terrain!! My husband loves biking, though, and could be out all day. He and I learned early on that we were rather different in that way
.
I know just what you mean about how hard it is to return to a manuscript if you’ve been away from it too long. I try to work on mine a little bit every day, too, for that same reason. Otherwise, if I wait more than a couple of days, I actually have to read the whole thing from the beginning to get back into the world of the story…
Wow–I thought I knew the difference, but it turns out I didn’t. Such an awesome lesson, not only for the grammar (*shudder*) but also about desire and passion and dedication. Fabulous, Marilyn!
Pamela, my friend, thank you
. I hardly qualify as anyone who should be giving a grammar lesson (thank goodness we’ve got Regina commenting here — I’ll refer any tough questions to her!!), but my brother always talked about the camaraderie of his fellow runners and how they’d all cheer each other on and wait for each other at the end of every event. I feel that way about our writing community. It’s helped me so much to know how many wonderful and supportive writing peeps there are out there who understand this long-distance race. xo
Wonderful post, Marilyn. And I could totally relate since you know I’m a runner.
Now, however, I’m looking at my running – and my writing – in a little different way. A better way, I think, thanks to you. How beautiful that a little verb tense and wisdom from a friend can change your outlook and make you strive to be better. Thanks!!
Happy weekend everyone!
Oh, Robin, thank you so much!! And believe me — I thought of you and your incredible dedication to running more than once as I was writing this post. I’m an admirer of yours
.
Marilyn, I love this! Would you believe Ed used to run marathons? He ran the Chicago Marathon, in fact, but I don’t think he finished in the top 1.5% like your bro! Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is saying, “I’m going to write a book, too,” and my reaction–um, internally–is pretty much what you laid out so eloquently here. We all have to dream and the bigger, the better, I say! I would love to get up on stage and sing with Def Leppard, but that ain’t gonna happen. Writing books, now that’s something I can do (after lots and lots of practice and plenty of blood, sweat, and tears). Although every time I start a new one–as I’m about to do–it feels like some kind of marathon! So prepare yourself for more whiny emails.
Susan, I didn’t know Ed ran marathons! I knew he was very athletic, but I have no doubt that the endurance and stamina he developed running had to help him become so good at hockey. How cool!!
As for getting up on stage and singing Def Leppard (or, well, anything!), I’m not grabbing the microphone away from anyone either, although I SO love music (AND Joe Elliott…) and would’ve loved to be a terrific singer. Had I tried, I might’ve actually been required to learn how to read notes quickly — and, um, accurately — though!!
Can’t wait for the next email from you, btw. And I’ll probably be the whiny one!
Fortunately or unfortunately, I am a writer. So many days, the process consumes my every waking moment and many of my sleeping ones, as well. I often say that it “could all end tomorrow and I would be happy,” but as the number of books has increased, I cannot imagine doing anything else. Thank you, Marilyn, for putting it all in perspective.
Yay, the “Grammar Goddess” is in the house!!
Regina, thanks for your kind comments and, also, for understanding so well the consuming nature of this particular passion. I know what you mean about finding it hard to imagine not writing… So many times I desperately wanted to do *anything* else because it *had* to be easier, right? But, again, anything really worth doing is worth the sweat and tears, too (and the muscle cramps — if not from running, then from sitting in that desk chair and writing and writing…)
Oh, Marilyn, I loveloveLOVE this post! You sum it up so perfectly. There are lots of things that I want to have done (such as, yes, most exercising. And learning a few more languages. And reading particular dusty tomes that I’ve never gotten around to). I’m a firm believer, though, that you will do what you really find important, and if you don’t actually find it important (even if you think you do) it will be easy to find excuses not to do it. For example, when I was a librarian lots of kids told me they wished they had time to read a book. Each time I immediately followed up with, “How many hours of TV do you watch each week? How many hours of video games do you play?” Most of them got the point: they were choosing TV and video games over whatever goals they wished they could accomplish.
Caryn, oh, yeah! Me, too, with the wanting to do all kinds of exercising and learning languages!! I actually went to the gym this morning after dropping my son off at school and slogged my way through an hour on the elliptical machine, but I’ll confess to being completely unmotivated to “cross train” and do the treadmill tomorrow or the bike the day after…and most certainly not the free weights. I am NEVER in the mood for the free weights. I can *imagine* myself toning my muscles that way, but it just doesn’t go further than my mind.
And I always wanted to get better at the languages I studied and learn new ones. I fantasized about speaking as fluently as an international spy, but I can’t roll my R’s to save my life (there goes Spanish and Italian!) and, on the subject of verb tenses, I could never remember them…sigh.
As for what you said about the kids and choosing video games/TV over reading — I’m so glad you told them that! My son and I have faced off on this battle more than once. He should know better than to try to tell *me* he doesn’t have time to read (ARGH!!), especially when I see him sacked out in front of the TV. (We have already set strict limit with the videogaming!)
Great Blog. Sometimes when someone says that to me I want to answer, “Go ahead.”
I think that people who do struggle through and end up with thousands of words more or less related to an idea they started with deserve recognition for persistence and sacrifice.
Warren, thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts on this. And, yes! I really believe that any writer (whether published or aspiring) that has done the work and put in long hours over a manuscript deserves to be applauded for that. We know, by the time we write “the end,” that the outcome of the book (whether it gets published or not) is separate from the journey of getting there. I’ll say for me, personally, that *nothing* ever topped that feeling of finishing my first manuscript — not even winning the Golden Heart or getting a book contract. And that first novel is nowhere close to publishable…but I knew the very second I’d finished writing it that I’d really accomplished something hard
.
This mirrors something I believe is a classic conundrum. Dreaming can consume our realities, until we have nothing but pretend accomplishments. Fine for a little girl pretending to be the lead in the school play, or a teen accepting her third academy award, but not very helpful for a grown woman.
That for me is the key word … grown. I’ve grown up enough to know what I want and I have the courage and determination to do what needs to be done. I guess it’s like planting a seed and nurturing it until you have a flower.
Thanks Marilyn for a great post
Florence, thank YOU! I love what you said here: “Dreaming can consume our realities, until we have nothing but pretend accomplishments.” Yeah…I certainly did enough of that in my life
.
I know a very pretty 20-something woman who is just waiting to be “discovered” as a model and an actress. A number of times I’ve asked her if she contacted a talent agency she’d told me about or went out for a particular audition. And, usually, she tells me she “hasn’t had the time” to do it, but I know it’s really more about lack of courage (it’s scary and depressing to be told “no” over and over again). But I agree it’s such a mark of adulthood when we can finally commit to something challenging and throw our spirit and our sweat into it. I’m looking forward to hearing about all of your writing successes on the WF loop!!
Awesome blog post, Marilyn. My husband runs 6 days a week, usually 7 miles a day. One of my sons is a cross country runner – and he’s only 12. My long-time friend and cousin is a marathoner. She lives in Chicago, so she does the Chicago marathon and many others around the Midwest. She’s also competed in triathlons.
Me? I wouldn’t run if you paid me to. I enjoy walking, biking, dancing, but run? No way in Hades.
But write a full length novel…now you’re talking. Give me three months, my Flip dictionary and lots of brainstorming with my best cps and I’m all over that form of marathoning.
I’d write stories even if I never sold one, and seeing my books published is a trip…but it’s the fans that keep me working hard. Their fan mail is like those handshakes at the finish line. Knowing I can entertain someone else, make their day a little better, is what keeps me running, er, writing. 
What I’m doing but wish I had done? Become a rock star. I thought Jon Bon Jovi would have called by now to offer me lead, but no such luck.
Misty, where *is* that ellusive Jon Bon Jovi these days, anyway?! I thought maybe I was the only one he was ignoring… Probably he’s just busy with touring and stuff. I’m SURE he’ll call us soon.
As for running, my husband runs, too (just a few times a week) and my son — who’s also 12, btw!! — has run cross country as well. My son will occasionally want to race me somewhere (the show off) and he laughs gleefully when he beats me. I’m sticking to my writing-only marathons, too, thank you!!
my sentiments exactly on the prep work that goes into training for a marathon! lol, my fingers are more in shape than any other part of me!
good post, marilyn. you made me smile and not feel so bad about never having been nor ever being a runner!
LOL, Karin!!
My fingers the absolute fittest parts of me, too. If there were “good body” competitions that were from the wrist to the fingertips only, I would totally rock that.
I’ve never compared writing to a marathon, but as soon as you talked about “knowing what it felt like,” I can completely relate. You just have to keep going and finish the race(book, getting published, agented)….in our own time.
T0nya, yes!
Those really are the two key things — (a) to learn what we need to in order to finish and (b) to do it in our own time.
Congrats on having crossed that finish line!!
First, I whole-heartedly believe one should only run if being chased.
Second, this is a great post. I remember being ten and saying “I’m going to be a writer when I grow up.” Well, I haven’t grown up, but I am a writer. And there is a huge difference between wanting to be one, and being one. The verb tense shown here displays perfectly the difference. In all areas of life.
Well said, friend! XO
Oh, Kelly, you had me rolling on the floor with this: “First, I whole-heartedly believe one should only run if being chased.”
That is officially my new motto for running!!
And you did become a writer!! Many times over! To have had that goal from age 10 and turned it into a reality is a huge accomplishment… xo
xo
Great post.
I’m not a runner, but I am a half marathon (13.1 miles) finisher so I really appreciate this analogy. I enjoy some of the aspects of my daily training (walking, yes…watching diet, no) and I’ve got to say that being able to say I’m a finisher is pretty darn good too, even though I’m at the back of the pack.
I enjoy some aspects of my daily writing commitment and like Dorothy Parker, I enjoy having written.
JB Lynn, if you finished a half marathon by walking and/or running, that’s a phenomenal thing in my book — congrats!! And I know what you mean about *certain* aspects of the training that are enjoyable vs. others that are less so. I’ve always loved walking (esp. with music playing on my iPod), but trying to watch my diet…well, that is not a strength of mine
.
Marilyn,
What a great post. It reminds me that just because a dream may not come true, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth dreaming. And, that the dreams that have come true, did because I mixed up all the blood, sweat and tears called for in the recipe. Have a great weekend and I hope to see you soon at the Y.
RUTH!!!!
Oh, thank you for commenting here and for being such an inspiring athlete to me. You were another person who came to mind when I was writing this post and thinking about the amazing, dedicated runners I knew who worked so hard to prepare for those big races…
I hope I’ll see you at the Y again soon, too!!
xo
What a great post!!! I never looked at things this way.
Now you’ve given me a sense of perspective and I will use this when I talk with folks in the future about writing.
And…my husband ran a marathon. Now he gets to say that he ran one–and I don’t think he’ll EVER do it again!
Cynthia, I’m so glad it rang true for you! I’m sure you’ve had scores of people over the years talk to you about their desire to write…
As for your husband, please congratulate him for me!! Hey, even if he only did it once, he ran about 20 miles more than I ever did — I’m impressed!
That’s also sorta like wanting to be a size 2 without having to do the dieting. While I’d love to lose a few dress sizes, I’m not willing to do the exercise/dieting/whatever to achieve that.
I’ve also been in a position of trying to explain the difference of “wanting” to write a book and actually sacrificing to write that book. Yeah, that I’m willing to do. I’ve given up a lot to get to the point I’m at and I’m well aware of the fact that I’m still no where near where I want to be. Does that make sense?
Liz, ha! I’ve thought about that very thing — the effort involved in diet and exercise — over and over again in recent years and how willing I am (or not) to work at it. Mostly it’s still in the not-so-much category. Or, rather, the exercise I’ll do, but the diet…um…nobody better touch my chocolate.
As for the point you made about sacrificing but still not being where you want to be — it made complete sense to me. I don’t think we’re geared to be satisfied with our accomplishments, especially not when so much blood, sweat and tears are required of us. If we’re working this much, shouldn’t we all be more than just published, but NYT bestsellers? With movie deals?! I know, for me, how easily I forget how far I’ve come in the past decade. As soon as I meet one big goal, my eyes are on the next one. It’s what gets us to push ourselves even harder, so it’s probably a good thing overall. But still, sometimes, we need to stop and look behind at all the manuscripts we’ve written and say, “Man, I did a lot of work!”
Stop picking on me! lol
I needed this little kick in the pants. On the way home from work tonight, I was thinking about how I wanted to write a really good book. I imagined how great that would be, how cool it would look sitting on a shelf, how people would love it. I was lost in that happy fantasy for about 20 minutes when I realized I had a draft of a few chapters in my bag… and, um, WHY wasn’t I working on it? Told myself I was too tired; I’d do it when I got home.
A little while later they announced our train would be delayed by almost two hours. “Oh, darn,” thought I, “by the time I get home I’ll really be way too tired to work on it because by then it will be so late.”
About five seconds later, I mentally smacked myself. I had almost two full hours where I would be absolutely stuck in a seat with nowhere to go, and had a first draft and ink pens in my back pack. Sheesh! Even though I really was tired, I made myself take it out and get to work.
You are right. Wanting something, and working for it, really are two different things.
Aw, Kate, way to go! Yay, you!!! (Okay, I know I don’t really know you, but I come from a demonstrative family, so I’m giving you a big hug right now. Deal with it.
)
What you did was awesome and exactly what we all have to do to… I think the fantasies fuel us. They give us that grand vision to hold in our imaginations so that we can really picture the beauty of our goal coming to life. Nothing wrong with 20 minutes of happy fantasy!! But then you ALSO did the hard part — the pulling the pages and the pens out of your bag and working on it. The reality. In real time. Which, unfortunately, is (for me, anyway) sadly imperfect and has some missing elements and awkwardly written phrases and some scenes that make me SO GLAD that no one else can read them because they’re THAT dreadful. (Can you tell I’m working on an early draft right now?)
So, I think what you did was wonderful…yay!! And now we do it all again today, right?
Marilyn, I love this post, and reading through the comments I can see that you really struck a chord. This reminds me that I was writing every day and had finished several (extremely bad) novels before I decided, “hey, maybe instead of putting this in a drawer when I’m done, I could try to get it published!” Thanks for reminding me I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, even when I don’t get the blue ribbon (or the elusive publishing contract).
Sara, being that I’ve been fortunate enough to be your friend for years (ever since I joined RWA!) and I get to see you, at least sometimes, in the 3D world (I do believe I have some incriminating retreat photos…
), I’m one person who knows for a fact that you always have — and are continuing to — put in all the time, work and effort needed for this particular race. You’ve published one great novel, and I know there will be many more ahead for you, too! I’m looking forward to getting to celebrate that next sale with you. Over wine and Ghirardelli Squares. 
Hey Marilyn, a little late to the party here, but man what a great post!!!!
Yep, the difference between Wanting and Being is miles apart. Terrific for anyone to actually go through the thought process and figure out priorities.
On the excercise front, I’d love to be toned and firmed like I used to be. I have stacks of yoga and excercise videos, that I look at once in a while. lol. My solution was to get a treadmill. I can walk daily, put my time in while reading a book or watching a movie, and it’s done! I had to figure something out for my non-enthusiasm to sweat it out and bounce around. At least this way, I know I’m doing “something” and the pounds will eventually drop. The machine has an incline so I think I’ll be getting some “tone” too. YAY!
LaD, thank you!!!
And, btw, I have a stack of exercise DVDs that I look at, too — they’re very pretty and brightly colored, LOL.
And way to go on getting on that treadmill! I know, for me, it really helps to have a distraction while I exercise, too. I mostly do the elliptical or treadmill while listening to music. Getting that uninterrupted hour to play my favorite songs is *the* reason I’m willing to exercise, but I guess it doesn’t matter what the motivator is as long as I do it…
I am totally amazed at the number of people who do run marathons. The Houston Marathon has to turn down folks who want to do so. I am also amazed by the ages of folks who run marathons.
Gladys ~ I *know*! It’s amazing, isn’t it?! I couldn’t believe 45,000 people of all ages were insane enough — I mean, dedicated enough (
) — to sign up for the Chicago Marathon every year. It’s awe-inspiring! I wish I had a fraction of their passion for running…