It’s crazy. Just the other day I held my first born in my arms. Two weeks ago today, I held my grandson, her second child in my arms just minutes after he was born. Where did the time go?
The older I get the faster time blurs by.
This past year has been a transitional one for me. I’ve been wondering if I have at this point in my life been all that I wanted to be. On one hand I have accomplished more than I set out to accomplish. I have a beautiful family, gorgeous home, my health, a career I would not trade for any other career in the word, well except for being Queen of the World but that’s not an option–at the moment. Yet…I feel like there’s more for me to do.
I feel restless and antsy, like I should know what it is I’m supposed to do next, but I have no clue what it is.
Maybe because the last four years of my life have been jam packed with emotional highs and lows. Three of my children were married. My youngest son went into the Marine Corps, two grandchildren were born, and two people I loved were taken from me. Maybe this is the calm that I have been yearning for, but my brain is still in overdrive.
That’s what I try to tell myself, but honestly, since my nephew’s death last fall my life has been a jigsaw puzzle of abstracts and shifting pieces that aren’t fitting right but forcing me to look long and hard at my life and where I want it to go next.
I’m as unsure now as I have ever been because that feeling inside that I should be doing something more won’t let go. It’s right there, niggling my every waking moment, and I have no clue what that something is.
It’s frustrating. My husband has been patient, God bless him and told me not to focus on it, that whatever it is, it will reveal itself when it’s good and ready. I reminded him patience is not one of my virtues.
My mother-in-law said I should play the lottery, that I was destined to win millions so that I could give it away.
My brother thinks my subconscious is telling me to move back east. My kids think it’s to write faster to sell more books so we can take better longer vacations.
I on the other hand am waiting as if whatever it is, will simply skip up my sidewalk, ring the doorbell and say, “Hey, I’m here! Let’s party.”
If it were so easy I wouldn’t feel so anxious.
If any of you know what it is I’m supposed to be doing next, please tell me!
And what about you? Have you ever or do you currently have that feeling there is something more you should be doing, something more you should be?
If you know, share, or if like me you’re clueless, grab a bottle and join me for a drink, maybe between us we’ll figure it out.